i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
