The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
