allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
