i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
