I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
