I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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