Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
