I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
