He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
