i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
