my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
