I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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