found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
