This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
