I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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