I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
