I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
