remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
