in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
