I feel like I'm in dance class right now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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