question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
