sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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