You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
