Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
