If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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