i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
