Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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