I can tuck mytits in my pants
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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