Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
