Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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