How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
