I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
