The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
