You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
