im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
