I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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