my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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