On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
