I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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