i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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