question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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