I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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