doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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