everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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