isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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