yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
