Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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