Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
