Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
