why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
