This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
