I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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